Bumper Sticker Philosophy


  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
  • 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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