WASHINGTON, D.C. 20202
REVISED TRAVEL REGULATIONS
Due to budget constraints, the following government policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are effective today.
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on government business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on government business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fare will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for the travel to Seattle.
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Sam's Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should avail themselves of "All you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on government travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in our effort to save government dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.