If everything we knew about life came from American films.....

  • During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  • Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
  • If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
  • Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
  • A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  • When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
  • When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
  • One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
  • Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
  • If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river--or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
  • Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
  • Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations
  • even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
  • Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings
  • especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
  • All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
  • Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  • Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds--unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  • You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
  • When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
  • An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
  • Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.
  • Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
  • The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
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