Tech Support
People wonder why call center people are paid so much ... for just being on the phone. Take a look:

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Okay."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: "?!%#$!"

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech Support: What's the problem?
Customer: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech Support: You'll need a new power supply.
Customer: "No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech Support: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech Support: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Tech Support: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech Support: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech Support: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
Customer: I need a new power supply.
Tech Support: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech Support: Then what did he say?
Customer: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

Tech Support: I need a product identification number. May I help you in finding it out?
Customer: Sure.
Tech Support: Could you left-click on 'Start' and find 'My Computer'?
Customer: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

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