Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?'"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

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